Saturday, December 21, 2013

Where to start

My Journey

It’s been a difficult year for me.  By all appearances, this year should not have been so difficult.  I should have been able handle the curve balls that life had thrown my way.  I mean, I did handle them, but I should have handled them with less angst and more determination, more fortitude, more me. 

But I was off.  Something in me was off.  When I find that I cannot manage various circumstances that I find myself in without feeling overwhelmed and victimized, then I know that the problem is with me and not the circumstances.

And so, I’ve been searching.  What is wrong?  What is wrong with me?  Why can I not manage myself the way that I used to, regardless of what comes my way.  I felt lost.  I had lost something.  I had lost faith in myself.

Now we’re getting somewhere.  So, I lost faith in myself.  How did that happen and why?  How do I get it back?

I looked around…  I love my husband; I love my kids; I love my family.  My life is fine – there are bits that I’m working on and there are bits that I love.  So, what was it?  Well… it was me.  I didn’t love me.

It sounds so dramatic, eh?  Oh my goodness, Agmay!  Get over yourself!  You’re so full of it!  Do you have nothing else to think about?!? 

Ok, so it is a tad dramatic.  I do love myself, I just wasn’t happy with me. 

Here’s what I think happened.  I got so involved with the stay-at-home mom in me.  I was making headroads into managing our lives, our finances, our goals.  That was all going good.  And I was managing this in my pyjamas, with unbrushed hair, and bad skin, and extra weight that I couldn’t get rid of.  Which was all fine, because everything else was fine.  It was my choice to manage our lives while I was in this state… or so I thought.

And then stuff started happening.  Our living situation deteriorated.  Our finances were getting tight.  I was not managing our lives as simply and efficiently as I could and things were building up – the mess, the laundry, the dirty dishes, the sleepless nights.  And because I was in my pyjamas, with unbrushed hair, and bad skin and extra weight, I found it really difficult to make myself connect with other people to get some help.  My shoulders were sagging; I couldn’t look anyone in the eye; I stopped answering my phone.  I put on more weight, my skin got worse, I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror.

Until, one day, my husband put this documentary on for me to watch.  It was about this diet and something about the philosophy behind the diet spoke to me.   Giving your body time to recover from day-to-day stresses; time to correct blood pressure, cholesterol and insulin sensitivity.  I was hooked.  And so together, my Dear Husband and I tried it.  And the side benefit of the diet (for us anyway) was that we started losing weight.  Significantly.  Steadily.   And I could look at myself in the mirror again. 

Knowing that I was starting to get my weight back under control, I started looking at other parts of me that I was not happy with.  And it was not overwhelming to list them.  Actually, it was liberating.  And so my journey started…. And it continues.


Subtle differences, it's still me